I’m too insecure to be in a live-in relationship.
I’d be too ashamed to go against my Catholic values. I couldn’t face the denouncement of my Asian elders. And anyone who dislikes me would conclude that No One wants to marry me. More importantly, I’d be too scared that My Man would walk out on me at any time.
But with a legally binding marriage he is obliged to stay put and put up with me. The only escape is death. So, that is why I got married.
It’s scary to get married. Who wants to be tied down forever? When I married my husband The Count, I had the same fears every first-time home buyer has: Are we ready? Can we afford this? And what if it doesn’t work out and we lose everything?
But as with every major Life Decision I make, the answer is always the same: I will never be ready. I will have to borrow money. And if all else fails, I will move back in with my Dad.
Stop wasting your time
Time matters more to women. The Count wanted three kids, and since I have the physical stamina of a tomato, I couldn’t pop out a Baby A Year. So I needed at least a two-year recovery gap between each kid, which totals six years of my life. If he married me at age 40 and I had a kid at 42, then six years later I would look like a grandma dropping off my firstborn at kindergarten!
Aside from the ravages of aging, each pregnancy takes its toll on the body. That’s how I lost my teeth, hair, and sleep. So if you plan to have kids, you need to do it while you’re young and strong.
That’s what I told Ellie, 28 YO, who had been living with her boyfriend for seven years. Because I deeply cared to meddle in her affairs, I asked her the usual Asian Auntie question, “Why aren’t you married yet?” She said, “Marriage is hard!”
“Of course it is. That’s why we enforce it by law,” I said. “Look, if you’re not sure about Him and you don’t think he’s The One, then split up right now because you’re wasting your youth and your time. No (decent) man will approach you while you’re in a relationship. But if He can put up with You, even if it’s too hard to stay together, then you should get married.”
Benefits of marriage
If reason fails to convince, I use a scare tactic. I told Ellie, “If your boyfriend gets into an accident, you won’t be admitted into the ER because you’re not Next of Kin. You don’t have a say in his care or funeral because you have no legal standing whatsoever. Only the wife and family are recognized.”
Then there’s the money. “If you had married seven years ago, you would have automatically been the beneficiary of your husband’s retirement savings or 401(K). You would have accumulated seven years of compound growth instead of starting later.”
Marriage is also more economical. Your combined household income increases, your accumulated wealth hikes by 14%, you get lower rates on loans, you share expenses, you get better insurance coverage, and husbands are more likely to get promoted and thus earn more.
Then there’s the property. As a wife, you get half of everything he owns—automatically! Unless you have those prenuptial agreements that only the Super Rich in K-dramas have.
Tessa lives with her boyfriend, who bought a house in Silicon Valley, so she pays half the monthly mortgage. After four years, they split up. Tessa is not on the title and not his wife, so she gets nothing. Maybe she can claim the money she has paid, but I would say that’s her rent. And now, she’s homeless, with no right to support.
If your Guy doesn’t want to get married, then at least you know where he stands. You can move on, or at least protect yourself if you stay together unmarried.
What if you divorce? In California, a marriage that lasts 10 years is considered long term, which has greater legal protection. After divorce, the wife usually gets continuous support under certain circumstances. While short-term marriages get support for half the length of marriage.
If Ellie had married seven years ago, she would have been three years away from a long-term marriage, and so entitled to longer support. Ka-Ching!
But even if a marriage is short-term, the wife gets half of the husband’s assets. In Tessa’s case, she would’ve been entitled to half of the house and retirement benefits, in addition to some support.
In my case, marriage has given me the stability and security I crave. Knowing that my husband cannot just Get Up and Go whenever I’m in my Rage Stage helps me let go of my Fears of Abandonment and Homelessness.
It’s a great comfort to know I can count on my husband—though that’s not why he’s called The Count. It’s such a relief to have someone to share my burdens with, listen to my rants, and kill disgusting insects. Sure I still do bulk of the housework, but at least, when things go wrong, I always have someone—-to blame.
Ivy is a lawyer turned columnist. Follow @IvyDigest on FB, IG, YT, and Linkedin.
