In fairy tales, the stepmothers are evil to the biological kid.
But where are the fathers while their kids are being victimized?
Let’s start at the top. There’s the King who sits around all day Doing Nothing. If he has a son, his sole occupation is to throw parties to find The Prince a wife. Because God knows a man can’t run a household by himself.
The problem starts when the Original Wife dies. What does the King do? He brings home a replacement from Hell.
Snow White
Enter Evil Stepmother, whose sole role is to get rid of the legitimate heir to the throne. In this case, Princess Snow White. Apparently their official namer is my kindergartner who names a pet dog Dog and a pink bunny Pinky.
Now Evil Stepmother talks to herself in the mirror and first became jealous of seven-year-old Snow White’s beauty. When Snow White hit her teens, Evil Stepmother couldn’t take her surpassing beauty anymore so she engages a huntsman to carve out Snow White’s heart in the forest. Snow White charms-escapes so the huntsman kills a boar and brings its heart to the Queen, who eats it thinking it’s Snow White’s. A Queen of Hearts?
Snow White seeks refuge in a cottage. Rather than become homeless, Snow White agrees to be a stay-in server to seven dwarves.
Now where is the King in all of this? Wouldn’t the King have asked at dinner, “Where’s Snow White and why isn’t she eating this boar’s heart with us?”
After a few days of absence, wouldn’t the King have sent soldiers to find his only kin who can continue his royal bloodline and secure his throne?
Cinderella and the Step-Ins
Then we have the Rich Dad of Cinderella. Her Mom’s deathbed wish is for her to be a good person. (ugh) Mom dies in winter and by spring Rich Dad has brought home Cinderella’s Stepmother with two Stepdaughters.
Now we know stepdaughters have giant feet, which comes from their Evil Genes, so all three Evil Step-Ins trample on Cinderella’s human rights and demote her from Rightful Heir to Wretched Maid Who Cries at her Mom’s Grave.
Rich Dad lives with all these women in his nice house so he’s fully aware of how Cinderella is being abused. Yet he Does Nothing and lets the Evil Giant Feet run viciously all over Cinderella.
Rich Dad doesn’t even want to give Cinderella a chance to marry a prince, even if he could freeload from it. He lied and said he had no other daughter when The Prince came to fit the gold slippers and asked, “Do you have any other daughter with toddler feet?”
Now would you rather have a Dad who doesn’t even bother to look for you or a Dad who doesn’t want to side with you?
Then how about a Dad who wants you to die? Twice.
Hansel and Gretel
This tale made gingerbread houses famous on Christmas, but I’ve always been bothered at how premeditated this multiple attempted murder was.
Again, Mom dies. This time we have a Very Poor Dad, who somehow finds a wife with no standards. Famine strikes and Evil Stepmom refuses to share the last bread. She throws a tantrum—and maybe something else—to convince Poor Dad to get rid of his young kids, Hansel and Gretel. We know they’re very young because they’re still lured by candy.
So Poor Dad brings H&G to the forest on the pretext of finding wood. He tells the kids to stay put and he will come back for them, then quickly abandons the kids to be eaten by wild creatures. At first the kids weren’t afraid because they thought they heard their dad chopping. But Poor Dad had fashioned a branch to beat a tree trunk so the kids would think he was still chopping wood. What a Dexter.
That night, Hansel and Gretel died. Or so—-that was the plan. But Hansel was smart. Before the attempted murder, he collected flints that glowed in the moonlight. The day of the crime, he dropped the flints along their path into the forest.
That’s how H&G found their way back home the next morning. Surprised Evil Stepmom saves face and scolds them for taking so long to get home. While Poor Dad allegedly cries in relief that they’re safe. He is still facing charges for Child Abandonment and Child Endangerment.
Next famine later, Evil Stepmom again seduce-convinces Poor Dad to trash his own kids. This time, Hansel marked their tracks with breadcrumbs. But, alas, the birds ate them.
For three days H&G strayed and starved in the forest until a bird led them to the famous gingerbread house, where a witch trapped them so she can eat them.
But H&G had learned well not to rely on adults to protect them. So they outsmarted the witch, took her jewels, and went home. Poor Dad cried happily to see the jewels.
Sleeping Beauty
Contrast that with Sleeping Beauty, Princess Rosamund. Her parents the Better King and Queen, had a hard time conceiving, so when Rosamund was born, her dad The Better King held a grand celebration and invited the 12 fairies of the land. But a 13th fairy was inadvertently on purpose forgotten. So she did what any thirsty diva would do, she gatecrashed the party and used the dishes as an excuse to get madly offended.
Thus, the 13th fairy doomed Rosamund to die by the prick of a spindle. A spindle is an ancient machine with a prickly thing. But the 12th fairy rectified the spell to “Sleep for a 100 Years” in place of Death.
What does this Better King do? He immediately orders that all spindles be burned! Then banned any further spindling. And all was well. Until…
At 15, Rosamund’s royal parents go on a trip, so she’s left alone to wander the castle. Trying to get her 10,000 steps a day, she climbs a lonely tower where she found an old woman on a spindle.
Like every kid, Rosamund asks, “Can I try?”
“Yes,” said the old woman.
PRICK! Dies.
Nope. Sleeeeeeeeeeeepsssssss……
Knowing it would take 100 years before Rosamund will wake, devastated Dad orders that Rosamund be lain in the grandest chamber. Then he leaves with the Queen and dies of old age.
Whatta Dad, right? But then…. you don’t know how he’ll turn out if Original Wife dies and he gets a new evil one.
Rumpelstiltzkin
Ok back to Loser Dads. We know they have the biggest egos so this one boasted to The Bachelor King that he had a daughter who can spin straw into gold. “The Bachelor King said, “I want to meet her!”
So Loser Dad takes his daughter to the castle. King said, “Hi. Now spin all this straw into gold or you die tomorrow.” And we never hear from Loser Dad again. He was last seen trying to sell multilevel bitcoin timeshares.
Daughter cries because it was all lies. She can’t spin nor spindle. She wanted to be an influencer. Suddenly, Weird Small Man appears, offers to help but asks for something in return. (wink wink) Daughter doesn’t get it, so she offers her necklace. WSM accepts and spins straw into gold.
Next day, same thing but bigger room. Daughter pays Weird Small Man her ring. Spin, spin, spin. Gold, gold, gold.
Third day, even bigger room but this time. Bachelor King says, “Do it again and I’ll make you queen.” WSM appears but Daughter still not getting it has nothing metallic left to barter. So WSM wants her firstborn when she becomes queen. Daughter thought, “Nobody knows what the future holds. so, okay.” Then—- Lotsa GOLD!
With the help of Stockholm Syndrome, Daughter marries her kidnapper and bears a son. WSM returns to claim the son. Daughter now Queen begs for a way to save her baby. So WSM gives her three days to guess his name since they never get it at Starbucks.
Queen wisely sends out Messengers aka Maritess, to scout odd names. For two nights, the Queen guesses wrongly while WSM shrills The Ting Tings’ “That’s Not My Name”.
On the eve of the last day, one Maritess saw a Weird Small Man dancing by a fire and rapping, “Rumpelstiltzkin is my name! Yeah!” Mic drop.
Trust a Mom to get it done. So the Queen guesses correctly, keeps her baby, and angers Rumpelstiltzkin so violently that he rips himself in half. So—happy ending.
Again, the baby’s father The Ex-Bachelor King, Does Nothing. Business sources say he’s trying to sell gold slippers in alligator sizes for Step Sisters.
Some Motherly words to Mid Dads
Fathers are Providers and Protectors.
Children are extensions of the father. As such, they bear only the father’s name. Sons are Biblically introduced as “Bart, son of Homer Simpson”.
Children carry your bloodline. So even if you’re not bound by paternal sentiment nor duties, being a Father is an act of self-preservation and self-perpetuation. You must protect your biological family as you would protect yourself.
So here’s my take.
To Snow White’s father The King:Don’t let anyone mess with Snow White. Just be present and tell Second Queen you’ll smash her imaginary friend if she dares touch your daughter. You can always find a new queen, but not a blood heir to the throne.
To Cinderella’s Dad: What are you doing?! Those Evil Step-Ins are not even your blood! They should be glad you housed their ugly asses. Stop getting played and start protecting your legacy.
To Hansel and Gretel’s criminal father: Your kids will TikTok your deeds, get you cancelled, and get rich from a podcast detailing your crimes. While you’ll be in prison fighting off raccoon rats swimming in your bucket toilet.
To Sleeping Beauty’s Dad: !!Bravo!! You used all your Kingly powers to Provide and Protect. It’s your greatest gift to a child to cherish and support her unconditionally. You have armed your child the power to slay any dragon.
And to Wanna Be Dad Rumpelstiltzkin: Sorry dude. Not everyone can be gifted with a child.
Ivy is a lawyer turned columnist. For your comments, questions, and suggestions, message IvyDigest on YouTube or Instagram.