How to marry a billionaire CEO if you’re in a C-Drama

Times are tough. That’s why every romantic drama has a Hottie CEO as the Male Lead.

         Due to inflation, Happily Ever After costs 100 times more than Cinderella’s time, so  it’s not enough to be a millionaire CEO anymore. Nope.

 The Male Lead CEO now needs to be a Billionaire—who needs a pure girl who isn’t after his money. And he needs to be younger than 30.

         So we can’t have an 89-year-old billionaire marry a young Playboy Babe, because that’s an Anna Nicole Smith documentary, which doesn’t give us the same tingly romantic feels—even if someone is getting a happy ending.

         Realistically, there are only 35 billionaires under 30, and only six of them are in Asia. So Ladies, you need to Hustle, if you want to marry into Mega Money. But don’t worry, as the TikTok micro C-Dramas have shown, it’s not hard at all to get a billionaire CEO to marry you—as long as you fit his ideal type.

Are you a C-Drama billionaire CEO?

         Here’s what to look for. After arduous decades of struggle, hard work, tenacity, cleverness, and luck, you got your job the old-fashioned way—by virtue of nepotism. Lucky you! You’re born an Heir, which makes you Hot— even if you’re Not.

         At the ripe old age of 25, you got your CEO position the same way I got my first car—my Dad gave it to me. So now everyone bows to you wherever you go, and men older than your dad tremble when they see you.

         You live in Capital City, but no one knows what you look like. This is great because you can feign sickness or meanness to thwart gold diggers, so only the desperately destitute Pure Hearts who can’t Google you will be willing to marry you.

         As a billionaire CEO, your only role is to:

1. Always wear tailored suits and a bored expression.
2. Wear foundation and makeup that’s thicker than the Lead Lady’s.
3. Have a perfectly immobile “tousled” hairstyle.
4. Ride in the back of a chauffeured luxury car to go nowhere.
5. Get out S-L-O-W-L-Y from the back of a car.
6. Look forbidding even if you can’t do anything.
7. Only show three expressions: arrogant, angry, anorexic.
8. Sit at a table laden with sumptuous food and eat NOTHING.
9.  Live alone in a swanky shiny penthouse with no TV.
10.   Take LOOoooNG showers to show off your pecs and abs.
11.   Come out of a shower all damp and glisteny to show off your now shiny pecs and dripping wet abs.
12.   Dramatically enter and exit a building amidst bowing subservients.
13.  Sit behind a big desk without doing or typing a single thing.
14.   Give the Lead Lady a menial job in your company so you can secretly ogle her.
15.   Bully the Lead Lady and make her work overtime if she has a date.
16.  Rebuff the affections of a beautiful childhood fiancée who is your social equal because you don’t like Strong Women.
17.   Flash your Black Credit Card to flex that you’re Loaded!
18.   Grab the Lead Lady anytime you’re annoyed.
19.   Not have any friends, only an assistant, driver, or bodyguard.
20.   Not have a personality or sense of humor—coz you’re already RICH.

         Basically, a Lead Man must be a buff six footer with great hair. He doesn’t need to be smart, articulate, or fun. Nobody cares if he’s competent because he’s swimming in Cold Cash. And to appeal to all women, his name is very English, like Brandon Hale or Sebastian Tyler.

         Most importantly, every young billionaire is pressured to marry—like Right Now! Doesn’t matter to whom, that’s why the CEO is in a rush to marry the first random Hottie they meet, who just happens be in need of hospital money or trying to escape a detestable arranged marriage.

Qualities of a billionaire CEO’s wife

         In the original Romantic dramas called Fairy Tales, the Male Leads only had to be a Prince who could ride a horse, climb towers, or kiss a corpse. He did not need to have a job or virtue, so he could be free save the Damsel.

         Since then, we’ve become a more progressive society, that we’ve demanded more of our Romantic Male Leads. They now have to be as rich as Iron Man but be a studly office worker with low standards in women like Superman.

         Meanwhile, Just as In Real Life, nothing much has changed for the Lead Lady. Ever since Snow White fell for the stupid poisoned apple scam, would-be Princesses still have not smartened up. But, they remain just as Pure—even if they’ve slept with the CEO on the first meet.

         Ladies, if you want to marry into money, you gotta be:

1. Ultra HOT—that you make Angelina Jolie look like a six.
2. Sexy at a size Zero, with a matching zero personality.
3. Poor or have a miserable childhood. Extra points if your Dad is a Cheap Loser who wants to marry you off to pay his debts.
4. Your ugly family hates you, but you have one sickly relative you love and needs an expensive operation.
5. Unperturbed by the misery of your life, you’re not depressed that you are broke, mistreated, or a poor single mom.
6. In a dead-end job, you have no ambition nor competence to advance.
7. Homeless or in a dirty rental with a creepy roommate.
8. The victim of bullying and endless abuse, but leaves your perfect skin unmarred.
9. A pretty cryer who never gets angry nor want to John Wick your enemies.
10.   Naively upbeat and kind despite the bleakness of your existence.
11.   Willing to be bossed around by the Billionaire CEO.
12.   Unable to defend yourself from anyone, no matter how unfounded of unjust.
13.   Easily grabbed, pushed, slapped, abducted, run over, and drugged.
14.  Short and light enough to be carried by the Anorexic Billionaire.
15.   Dumb enough to fall for every lie, trap, and concealment no matter how obvious the deception.
16.   Unthinking, because thoughts cause wrinkles.
17.   Simply dressed, so you have a reason to go shopping using the Billionaire’s Black Card.
18.   Hopelessly in need of Saving and ALWAYS fainting.
19.   A public commuter or have a dorky bike, so the Billionaire can give you rides home in his fancy flex car.
20.   Fine with accidentally kissing, touching, embracing, or sleeping with the CEO.
21.   Have no friends or trusted loved ones.
22.   And most importantly, you must have no sense of balance that you always trip and fall so the Billionaire CEO can catch you in super S-L-O-W motion, to be captured in six camera angles.

         As you can see, it’s not easy to be a Lead Lady that a young CEO billionaire would want to quickly marry. You need to suspend all reason and suppress your laughter at the thought that anyone would just marry a stranger they just met. But that is how True Love starts for the TikTok couples, because each episode is only a minute long.

         We don’t have the time nor patience to develop anything realistic because TikTok will reuse the same image of both leads in the next 800 upcoming rehashed short dramas.

What if you’re not a HOTTIE Lead Lady?

         If you don’t check any of the qualities for Pure Lead Lady, then you have two options.

         Option 1: Try to become a Lead Lady. This may seem daunting, but not if you are a Delusional Dreamer, like three females I know. It doesn’t matter if they are borderline fugly, as long as they have photo filters that make them seem smooth, thin, and white in all their public posts.

         In their minds, these filtered pics are proof that they are so Desirable that every CEO would want to marry them, should they happen to run into one at KFC. This dream makes them smile every time they shave their legs and mustache.

         These Wanna-be Lead Ladies sincerely believe that someday they will meet their “Fifty Shades of Grey” Lead Man and imagine crazy passionate nights as they finish off a whole pizza by themselves. Or that they can still have a Meet-Cute with a bachelor Hottie on their way to their 7-Eleven nightshift. For Dreamers, it’s just a matter of time.

         In the meantime, these Dreamers watch as much Asian dramas as they can so they can learn everything they need to know to become a rich CEO’s wife. They will copy the Lead Lady’s haircut and practice their innocent Pure Look in the mirror so they can attract their dreamy CEO. They will wait patiently for a Rich CEO to marry them, even as they plan their 48th birthday party with their three cats.

         Option 2: Don’t even try. These too serious thinkers don’t believe that meeting a rich, young stud is even statistically possible. Nor do they believe anyone who is All That can be smart, nice, or kind. So they don’t even try to be anyone’s Lead Lady. Instead these Realists choose to focus on their career and seek to further their ambitions. They have grand plans to become their own rich CEOs and don’t want to rely on some guy who will surely just disappoint them.

         To reach their ideal net worth, these impatient Realists are studying after work to earn a Master’s, PhD or postdoc. They don’t have time to watch rom-coms because they are too busy working out, playing golf, learning hip-hop, skiing, and boxing. They are out traveling to new cities, trying new restaurants, looking for solid investments, and seeking novel experiences.

         After a decade or so, these Realists will be wealthy enough to relax a bit from working too hard. They may even consider finding a Pure Heart who is not after her money. Preferably younger than 30.

Ivy is a lawyer turned columnist. Follow @vyDigest on FB, IG, YT, and Linkedin.