HUSBAND: What do you mean? I’m right here, listening
I am a writer so I work in symbolism and subtlety. That means, if I think you’re ugly, I say, “You’re beautiful in your own way.” Don’t get it? Exactly. Now my husband The Count operates like a cartoon. He says exactly what he is, the way the villain screams, “I will kill you till you die!!!!!”
Lately, I’ve been trying to connect and elevate our relationship beyond Batman and Robin. So last night, I asked for a short How’s Your Day? chat before bed. But NO ONE did any cleanup so I DID it all by myself! By the time I returned to have our chat, The Count was lying down sleepily, and said, “I’m sleepy.” Because he IS a fountain of information.
So I was disappointed when he said he was sleepy because as a writer I don’t operate in reality. I live in a world of concealed clues and masked meanings. Nothing is what it appears. So “I’m sleepy” is what you say when you’re hanging out with people you find boring and you just want to go home. Or if you don’t want to accept an invitation to a movie. Or if you want to reject ANYONE who asks you to go out. “I’m sleepy” is civilized code for Leave Me Alone.
So I did. I left The Count alone and went to bed, dejected that we didn’t have our chat; a chat that was supposed to bring us closer to whatever it is that chats lead to.
The next morning, The Count asked, “Why didn’t you return to chat?”
I said, “I did but you said you were sleepy.”
He said, “But I was sleepy.”
I said, “That’s why.”
So I explained to Mr Manga what “I’m sleepy” means in polite society. He insisted he only meant he was sleepy and nothing else. Oh, but there’s always more! Everything he says means something. And what he doesn’t say means More.
Then The Count said, “This is what I meant that you get offended by something I said when I didn’t have any intent to offend you.”
So Why is He wrong?
First of all, the only ones who consciously intend to offend are Trolls and skunks. Second, offense is in the heart of the offended. It doesn’t matter how benign your act is. If I feel offended, then it’s offensive. That’s the HR rule—-which stands for Human Race.
Research shows that “only 7% of communication relies on actual words” which means that I am Right—-as always. The Count may have only said two words, “I’m sleepy” but I can interpret his meaning to expand to a hundred more. It’s crucial HOW these measly words are said.
The conflict lies in the difference in how males and females communicate. Women talk to connect. “Relationship talk, to her, affirms their love for one another and reinforces the existence of their relationship.” (University of Texas)
While men talk to solve problems and Mansplain. “When he hears that his partner wants to talk, a man might assume the worst. What’s wrong? I thought things were going well between us?” SIGH….Isn’t that the story of Every Man Who Has No Clue?
That leaves 93% of nonverbal communication. Men understand nonverbal like they understand menstrual. So even if the couple is not talking, the Woman is sending glaring signals—-which the Man is NOT picking up on.
Research and reality confirms that “women read people with greater accuracy and [are] more responsive to nonverbal cues than men.” (Psychology Today)
So when The Count says “I’m sleepy” I know what he’s NOT telling me. He’s too tired to talk. Talking to me is so boring that it makes him sleepy. That he’d rather sleep than talk to me. So then, I respond with anger and rejection. Which makes him dumbfounded, defensive, and want to drive away.
Happy Talk, Happy Together
Communication problems are the greatest predictor of divorce. It’s the main complaint of wives and the greatest source of their marital dissatisfaction and unhappiness. Less negative communication is linked to higher marital satisfaction. That’s why there are so many so-called experts online who give tips on Ways to Improve Your Marriage Through Better Communication.
However, the Nerds don’t know if you’re satisfied because you have less fights OR if you fight less because you’re more satisfied with your marriage. And even if you have less negative communication now, it only leads to temporary marital satisfaction. It doesn’t predict future satisfaction.
Therefore, no matter what he does, The Count is sure to offend me because of who he is AND because that’s just how I am. If he says anything, I will be offended and furiously go nonverbal. If he says nothing, I will be offended that he’s not talking. And that’s how Marriage works. See why it’s so HARD?!
Despite miscommunication, three things strengthen future satisfaction. Expressing gratitude, responding positively to your partner’s good news, and giving support during stressful situations. Things all loving couples do for each other. I realized The Count does all these for me. So maybe we don’t need to fake a talk just for me to feel loved. He should just say, “I will love you till you die!!!” <3