Dressing for a wedding

There is a standard dress code for guests who attend a wedding.

A formal attire for men means to resurrect the same suit or barong they wear for every formal occasion in their lives since graduation.

A woman’s dress prep begins from the time she receives the Save the Date for the wedding. She calculates how much weight she needs to lose to fit into a pre-teen dress, then divides the kilos by the number of months she can fool herself into thinking she’ll succeed. It’s a cerebral and physical feat.

In formals, men are expected to look identical, drab, and fully-covered because no one expects them to lie about their looks.

While women can choose a dress in various stages of semi-nudity. Formal events are the perfect time for women to display their bodies to shameful public scrutiny or inappropriate ogling. The level of daringness depends on the woman’s body mass index, delusion, or need for attention. But the golden rule is that they must show some skin normally reserved for the doctor.

Men’s formal shoes should be dark leather to match their wallets. And both are designed to take men to their destinations quickly and comfortably as designated drivers and breadwinners of society. 

Women’s evening shoes are as revealing as their evening wear. Like a cowgirl ready for anything, shoes must be strappy and sexy to reveal delicate feet slowly contorted by pointy shoes. If bunions are a problem, pumps are the best coverage option. In either style, high heels are de riguer to make it painful to walk. This hails from the ancient custom of immobilizing women to make them approachable and desirably vulnerable so men feel protective when they offer their strong arms to their limping dates. Chivalry has been kept alive with this undying tradition of maiming women.

To look their best, men only need a soap, a shave, and a comb regardless of lack of hair. It takes men only 18 minutes to look their age, so they have the rest of the hours to wonder what’s taking the women so long.

To appear their youngest, women need 18 days with a team of professional groomers. Starting with the hair, a colorist puts highlights or covers grays, a stylist contrives a casually windblown coif, and the ozone layer suffers from the deployment of cans of fixatives to hold the relaxed look in place.

Female skin is not expected to age, so the female face needs to be cleansed, steamed, pricked, sanded, lasered, masked, and softened to look two years younger. Some women endure toxic injections to freeze the look of youthful wonder. Artful application of layers of makeup, falsified lashes, and drawn eyebrows produce a naturally perfected face. Feminine beauty is then finished off with a vibrant lipstick to conceal the paleness of torture and deprivation.

For accessories, men don their suit’s matching evening jacket with five standard pockets for their wallet, keys, phone, and the thoughtful breath mint. Watches have been replaced with the latest smartphone. Neckties are optional and purely personal to commiserate slightly with the women’s complete discomfort. If there is no jacket, the men still have their pant’s deep pockets to contain their daily essentials that make him look gainfully employed.

Women’s accessories are as varied as their body issues. Evening dresses are never equipped with any pockets to sustain the handbag industry. Women must decide if they want to hang their belongings like a sash or clutch them like a priest with a bible. A great compromise is the wristlet which swings from the arm to break up the boredom when a glass is knocked over. A purse used to match shoes during the time of Princess Diana, but now anything goes under the radical King Charles.

Women can also decorate themselves with jewelry, the telltale sign of contrived wealth or a woman’s status as a wife or mistress. The older women who paid off their mortgages can cover their wrinkles with precious gems while the younger renters can get away with bare smooth skin.

And now you’re ready. But why go to all the trouble for a wedding? 

The bride and groom endured the stress of arranging a wedding so guests can drink, dine, and dance for free. The couple spent thousands to coordinate a ceremony and a venue and risked congregating their embarrassing relatives together for one night so they have photographic proof that they hoped to beat the 50 percent chance of a divorce.

Therefore, it is incumbent upon the guests to show their respect for the occasion by abiding by the formalities of attire and pretending enjoyment. So please don’t show up to a formal wedding in shorts, slippers, jeans or work clothes. The bride took pains and pills to look good on her wedding. And so should you.



The Largest Weekly News and Business Magazine